MOO 24: The Letter
by Amanita Jackson
Summary: Month O' Oneshots 24! Narcissa writes an indignant letter to Lord Voldemort, expressing her irritation at the general state of things.


Lord Voldemort,

I have been meaning to talk to you about my husband, who has recently been incarcerated in Azkaban. Do you intend to do something about this anytime soon? I distinctly remember you signing a blood oath to protect your most loyal followers, and my Lucius won the Loyal Follower--Minion of the Month award several times. He qualifies. When are you intending to get him out? His study is an absolute mess and I have told him time and time again to clean up after himself, but he _insists _on scattering Dark work about. Men. Honestly. I have instructed the house elves to stop picking up after him unless it is in a public area.

You managed to spring a number of your _other_ followers, I note. With much irritation, I may add.

My husband is dim, but I love him anyway. He really is a wonderful man. However, I would like to remind you quite sharply that I _do_ have a sixteen-year-old son. Have you any idea how difficult it is to raise him?

I was managing the family accounts and such after your reckless, irresponsible downfall. There is no excuse for poor planning, not even for Dark Lords. So in order to keep the family dignified and intact, I had to take over as head of the family, leaving Lucius to spoil my boy rotten.

I had to fix our image myself, as my dear Lucius is frankly hopeless at anything but standing there and looking pretty. You were in no position to get Lucius out of Azkaban, what with that juvenile, irresponsible lack of corporeality. Heavens, what is this world coming to when totalitarian would-be dictators can't even maintain a body? Honestly!

My point is that after the boy came home from his first year of Hogwarts and I had a chat with several other mothers, I found my son Draco had been raised by his father to be completely spoilt. With heavy influence in his early childhood from you, I understand. If you can be bothered to help turn my only child into brat, why had you failed to get to work on a new body?

I set to work correcting my husband's mistakes. Fortunately, my beloved house elves had been privy to most of my dear Draco's upbringing and had kept Lucius from making too many mistakes. Nevertheless, there was no discipline! The boy did whatever he wanted, once he got to be taller than the house elves!

I have fixed his attitude problem as best I could, but he is a teenage boy and frankly, there is only so much a mother can do. His father sent him _candy_ at school, for heaven's sake! Can you imagine? My boy must have either been incredibly foolish and arrogant or incredibly embarrassed. I hope the latter but suspect the former.

I have been talking to Mrs. Nott and Ms. Zabini, until recently Mrs. Harkington, I believe. Such a wonderful woman. Very modern, very good mother, and some of the other mothers in our tea and book group, and we have heard some rather disturbing rumours.

It appears that the entire Hogwarts population, including former students and teachers, is either gay or bisexual. Apparently, my son has been involved with a number of people.

By now, Mister Riddle, you had better be coming up with something to get my husband out right now. Draco listens to his father more than me these days.

Or did, until your neglect and poor planning placed my husband in Azkaban!

However, the unbelievable looseness of the student body and the faculty (some simply revolting things I have heard about 'detentions' which I shall not detail here, ask Ms. Zabini for more information) is not the worst of the matter!

No, there is much worse. Mary-Sues and Gary-Stus have been applying to Hogwarts and getting in.

If you do not get my husband out of Azkaban immediately, you had best consider doing something about these horrid boys and girls or I will hex them all into your living room!

Do you have any idea how my poor, foolish, hormone-crazed son has suffered at the hands of these idiots? Why, this month alone I have heard no less than eighteen stories detailing his romantic suicide, each for love of a different person! I have also been hearing countless tales of him being rude to his father and myself, of his father dying, of Draco renouncing his father, of _me_ dying, of my dear Lucius _killing_ one of us--! The list goes on and on!

It is incredibly hard to be a single parent in these circumstances, so I expect you to be shaping up and fulfilling your part of the contract!

This brings me to my next major point. Your poor planning and multiple failures against a child. Your obsession with the Potter boy is quite easily misconstrued. At least I fervently hope it is misconstrued. There are tales of you lusting after young Harry. Disgusting, in my opinion.

If my son is to become one of your followers, I expect him to have a leader who is actually efficient! You need to get a therapist. My sister Bella can help you; she has gone through quite a few. She knows a good one. Hasn't hexed the woman in months.

Should you shape up an enough for me to allow my son into your service, I must ask you to please excuse Draco from branding with the Dark Mark, as he is rather squeamish and doesn't like the smell of singed flesh. My son has a rather low threshold for pain, so would it be possible for him to get monthly henna Dark Marks instead?

Contact Bella for her therapist's address. In the meantime, I expect to have my husband out of Azkaban within the month and those horrible exchange students dealt with in as painful a manner as possible.

Sincerely frustrated and at her wit's end having to clean up after so many men's social messes,

_Narcissa Malfoy_


End file.
